Hey You Dad ... Do You Really Know How To Help At Birth?

12 August 2008

Expectant Fathers-to-be Are Expected To ‘Do Something’ At The Birth Of Their Children ... What’s Your Role?


Since the 1970s, fathers have been permitted to be with their partner during labour and delivery. Actually women wanted their husbands to come and help. Before that, most women were left alone and really wanted someone to help them cope with labour pain. It took a while longer for fathers to be permitted into a cesarean delivery.

Everyone expects YOU to know what to do. But who taught you how to help a woman give birth? Actually if you ask your partner who taught her how-to give birth, she’ll probably tell you ‘no one.’ For such a big experience you’d think we’d have more education or know how.

If you’ve paid any attention to your role, you’ve probably heard that you should support your partner. Has anyone defined the word ‘support’ to you? Is it ‘being there?’ And what does that mean?

In the 1970s fathers were expected to ‘coach’. That term went out of fashion because some people thought that was ‘telling women what to do’ … sort of like a sport’s coach screaming from the sideline. Now that’s a cartoon for our heads.

However, let’s really think about these two terms and you can decide for yourself which role you want. When you support someone, you are there. Some support actions are: holding hands, wiping the face with a wash clothe, being hung on, massage or even breathing along with the woman. This is if she is labouring. If she is having a surgical delivery … a cesarean then supporting her means sitting by her side, holding her hand and ‘being there’.

Coaching someone can use the same actions as a ‘support’ as well as give guidance, work together with and share a set of skills. Coaching is supporting with the ability to really help. Which do you want to do? Which do you think she really wants?

So, let’s back up. When is the best time to learn these skills? During pregnancy seems like the most appropriate time. In fact common sense would suggest that pregnancy, preparing for birth and learning birth skills go together.

Until 24 weeks no one is really thinking about ‘the birth’ but after 24 weeks time seems to fly by. Each week gets you closer to the Big Day, so it’s a natural time to prepare for birth whether your partner will have a labour/delivery or a cesarean delivery. There are wonderful coaching skills to learn such as Directed Breathing, the Pelvic Clock, Hip Lift, Sacral Manoeuvre or Deep Touch Relaxation.

These are skills based on our human body. Men and women have very similar ones and birth is the same worldwide, so such skills work well with whatever is happening in your life or what will happen in the birth.

Birth skills go into any birth as they should. Your partner will always breathe and you can help her do so in the most relaxed manner. Her body will always be in some posture or position and you can help her remain relaxed.

Big news … women’s brains work overtime during birth even if they don’t do a lot of talking. So coaching your partner during labour and birth will help her feel more in control and an active participant. She’ll be able to work with your baby’s efforts to be born which leaves everyone feeling empowered.

Not only does your partner want you to help her, your obstetrician or midwife absolutely wants you to help as well. They just don't want you to get in the way of their need to do any medical care.

As a father-to-be what will you get out of being a great birth coach? You’ll get lots of pride, lots of gratitude from your partner and praise from your birth provider. How will that feel as part of the memories you'll have about the birth of your children?

Remember you already know that pregnancy is an action word with your partner’s body changing and your baby growing. Birth is an action word too. Your partner has to do the work and you have to move beyond just ‘being there’ to taking an active role as a great birth coach who supports and offers skills as well.