What about ... part #4

7 November 2007

Today I'm going to tell a Pink Kit birth story from a father's view point. There are so many powerful motivations that stimulated the development of these birth and coaching skills. One of these was our desire as women to have our husband, partner, friend or relative really know how to help us during birth. With these birth skills based on what we share as humans this has been truly achieved.

Basically there are two types of births: operative (cesareans) births or vaginal birth. And there are two types of cesareans: non-labour/labour first. However, from a Pink Kit perspective. Birth is birth.

This story is about an non-labouring cesarean from a father's viewpoint (and some from the mother's as well) and how he used The Pink Kit skills.

'What about ...' can be exchanged with the words ... 'why' or 'why not'.

I'll use quote marks when I'd like you to pay attention to these words. We use them as though they are just little words like 'yes' or 'no', but they are significant words because we make huge decisions using them.

'Why ....' would this family want to learn childbirth and coaching skills since an elective/planned/non-labouring cesarean was planned?

Over the years many Pink Kit families have had elective cesareans. Some come at the end of a labour, others before. At the moment, I'll share what I've been taught by families who are going to have a non-labouring cesarean.

1. Our body is still preparing to labour. Our body doesn't change or even know we are going to have an operative procedure. That means all the hormones, thoughts, fears, excitement and changes are happening.
   
2. We're going to give birth .... birth is an action word not a passive experience.
3. During surgery our body will be in some place and we'll still breathe. As long as we're awake and not been given a general anesthetic then we can participate in the birth.
4. Our support person will most likely be with us.

These four realities had a huge impact on our perceptions and actions during pregnancy and birth. There is no doubt that many, many women express both relief and a sense of disconnectedness during a cesarean. This can produce a sense of loss mixed with a sense of wonder at giving birth ... and a defensiveness in a world where there are discussions about the rising rates of cesareans.

There is also a very subtle (not so subtle if you're on the end of this behavior) judgment that women cast on each other. 'I had a natural birth and you had a cesarean' ... (no doubt ... implying a superiority).

The Pink Kit has always been and will always be about all births, the enjoyment of preparing for birth and the pleasure of working with our baby's efforts to be born.

Back to the story. The reason 'why' this father got stuck into learning the Pink Kit skills with his wife was simple. He wanted to be more involved with the birth. He loved his wife's pregnant body, wished he could be pregnant so he wanted to do everything he could to experience pregnancy and birth.

He also knew that his wife had very mixed feelings about the surgery. She knew that a cesarean was the right option for their situation (what their situation was is not important) but she was nervous about the surgery and felt quite a bit of disappointment she wasn't going to give birth vaginally. She also felt a bit less like a woman by choosing a cesarean even though she knew she shouldn't feel that way. And she had mixed feelings about the relief she felt by avoiding the pain of childbirth.

She did have some feelings that other women might judge her and was too embarrassed to go to childbirth preparation classes. But she also didn't want to feel disconnected or like a lump during surgery.

Her brother and sister-in-law had used The Pink Kit and suggested they get one. At the time there had been no decision to have a cesarean so they purchased a Pink Kit Package. They started to work through the resources at 24 weeks and really so enjoyed learning the skills. They were fun to learn.

Once a decision to have a planned cesarean was made, his wife shut down and stopped having any interest in continuing to learn. This led to a discussion. 'Why ...' should a father try to convince his wife to continue to learn birth and coaching skills?

He wanted to enjoy preparing for the birth of their child. They enjoyed the skills! Why not?

He said it took two weeks to get her to come around. And another two weeks for her to welcome the idea. During those two weeks he made certain that every night they spent 15 minutes learning something. Basically he was asking her to let him stay connected and doing something. It was his enthusiasm, planning and insistence on taking time together that she finally came around.

First, she realized that he did want to get enjoyment and pleasure in preparing for birth. She realized that she was being selfish. Also she admitted an emotional conflict and belief that if she was going to have a cesarean there was nothing she could do to prepare for birth.

'What ....' happened next?

They forgot about the 'birth' and focused on the 'right now' and the pleasure of preparing for the arrival of their child. It was that simple.

The father just felt wonderful every single day. He loved feeling part of the process. He loved following the process of pregnancy leading to birth. He felt closer to his child and his wife. His friends couldn't quite understand what he was doing so they decided not to tell people. Instead they just enjoyed their time together.

'Why ... ' not?

Why would a family not want to have a similar enjoyment? Of course, The Pink Kit Package is languaged in terms of 'labour' but families who are preparing for an elective cesarean just edit the language and learn the skills. This also goes for single moms or families extended families besides just mothers and fathers.

'What ... ' happened at the birth?

On the day of surgery, the father decided to really make that day very special. They pretended to be in labour. They timed contractions that weren't there, giggled a lot, took a walk with a watch and stopped for every 'contraction' and breathed together and used the relaxation exercises.

They did this for hours and hours. 'Why .... ' bother? Why not? Birth is such an important Life memory. A child's birth is something you tell them. Why not tell them about all the things you did on their birth day. The father absolutely loved every moment. He said that the whole experience of time contractions, breathing through them, relaxing with his wife and helping her to get in touch inside her body was so thrilling it brought tears.

Because he was a man who so thoroughly enjoyed his wife's pregnancy he wanted to experience going into labour and giving birth. Many, many men feel this way. They are often told that birth is 'woman's business'. Sure women give birth but birth is a family's business. Becoming a father is as important a Life Transition as puberty. The Pink Kit skills help to make this big experience fuller, richer and deeper.

'What about ...' the actually surgery?

This father never skipped a beat. They arrived in the hospital and told the staff that they would still be timing contractions and breathing together. The staff had never seen anything like it but absolutely loved what they did together. After the birth everyone came in and complimented them and wished more couples did what they had done.

Their doctor came in during one of their 'contractions' and waited until it was over. He asked what they were doing. They explained and he was fine. After he explained about the surgery, he left and they continued to time 'contractions' and work through each one. They giggled alot.

The anesthesiologist came in and explained as well .... and left. They continued.

Then she was given an epidural but they continued (no longer timing contractions but deciding when to work together with inner relaxation and breathing together). Everyone respected what they were doing.

'What ... ' the father realized is that there is a lot of time to spend waiting for surgery and getting prepped. He said, that was just what women who arrived in hospital would experience. People coming and going. He said there is heaps of time to do things together. It not only fills the time, it makes the time meaningful and full of participation rather than just sitting there being bored.

But he said, it did something else. Treating the birth of their baby as something special between themselves and having their own tasks which they harmonized as a set of skills created an atmosphere for everyone involved. It stopped being surgery and began to be treated as a birth. He said the staff and doctors were great about what they were doing but he couldn't have cared less if everyone had made fun of them. They were doing this for themselves.

As she was wheeled down the hall to the operating room, they just treated this as 'the pushing' and worked more closely. His wife was moved to the surgery table and they focused on each other, breathing together while she relaxed inside her Pelvic Clock and 'stayed open.'

He said they had just the most amazing time. Their doctor joined in with their reality. He explained as the head was crowning and gave them a moment to appreciate that. He told them as the shoulders and the rest of the baby delivered! How amazing!

'What about ....' after the birth?

The father said after the birth they just enjoyed their time together as they imagined they would have had they had a vaginal birth. There were no more contractions.

However, after the epidural wore off, she experienced quite a bit of pain and they started to use the breathing and relaxation together. This really helped. Yes, she used pain medication but less often and discontinued sooner because she found that by relaxing and using the Directed Breathing she could manage the pain.

The father also said that periodically during the early days of parenting, they used many of the Pink Kit skills in order to remain calm when their baby cried and during the adjustment in breastfeeding.

'What about ...' their overall experience?

He said the birth of their daughter was the most incredible experience. He said that experience would never, ever have happened had they not learned The Pink Kit skills and created the birth experience for themselves.

'What about ... ' how the woman felt? Well, she said had her husband not pushed her she would have gone into the birth with tremendously mixed feelings. Instead she absolutely knew she had birthed her baby in exactly the way she had envisioned. She also said no one might understand what they did but becoming a skilled birthing woman matured her in ways totally unexpected.

All of us at Common Knowledge Trust would like to encourage all of you to consider the huge personal benefits that becoming a Pink Kit family could mean to you.

Next post will be another 'What about ... ' from a man's viewpoint.

What about ... part #3

3 November 2007

Before I head down my usual path of enthusing, convincing, inspiring expectant families to become skilled at giving birth and using the only resource focused entirely on learning birth skills ... The Pink Kit Package, I want to send you to a link where my first travel story is published.

The below is a quote from Lynette who is the galdownunder and handles Bike Friday's group email.

Now here's a story that should ensure BFs are sold for the term of a rider's natural life!

http://www.bikefriday.com/wintergreen/holland07

Make sure you read what she says about BF as the solution to seniors here:

http://www.bikefriday.com/seniors (scroll down)

She's also in the gallery here:

http://www.bikefriday.com/gallery/wintergreen

Please share this widely - I truly think this is one, completely objective area that BF has it all over a 'regular bike'.

Why would I put this up on a birth website? Well, it's about 'what about ...' story!

Think about all your mental thoughts as you talk to yourself. A great deal of the time we are asking questions to ourselves. And we make mental lists as well.

Being in labour or giving birth by cesarean is not an event we miss. Before the birth we are talking to ourselves all the time and this continues right through the birth and on into being a parent. We self talk positively and negatively. We self talk so much that we take it for granted ... and often believe there is no way to control the dialogue.

This is another 'what about ...' story from a woman's viewpoint. However, the next few stories will be from the head of men. Why is that important?

In the late 1960s, early 1970s there was a huge change in childbirth ... at least in the US. Previously, when a woman arrived in hospital she was either placed in a ward with other women ... separated by curtains. Or, she shared with 3 other women ... separated by curtains. If she could afford the cost, she had a room to herself.

Women laboured alone. Even the stories I've heard from women who birthed in countries where home birth was common thirty years ago, often the father was not present. A midwife arrived and took on the role of the labour coach. The doctor came and delivered the baby.

However, women wanted their husbands to be with them and help. Then they wanted their other children and friends. This brings up the topic of who should be helping the woman ... and should that person being coaching or just supporting.

From the Pink Kit perspective, the very best birth coach (someone who can actually work with the woman as she manages the naturally occurring pain of childbirth or sits with her during a caesarean) is some one she knows and lives close to. As a bottom line, this person is most likely to be at the birth. There are too many stories from families who relied on their obstetrician or midwife to 'be there' and for some reasonable reason they weren't.

Then there's the issue of whose job is it to help the woman? Here's some thoughts for you. What about ..... your obstetrician's job? What about ... the role of staff midwives or obstetrical nurses? What about ... your midwife's job at a home birth or when you birth at a Birth Center? What about ... doula's job?

In reality ... what about ... your job as a birthing woman?

This woman had given birth a number of years earlier. She was remarried and pregnant. She had had a cesarean at her last birth and felt disappointed, angry, a failure as a woman and determined to have a vaginal birth at home. She had had what is called a 'classical incision'. This was how they used to cut the uterus. She was told there was a higher risk of the uterus rupturing with this type of incision.

She was determined to have a home birth and found a midwife willing to attend her. Isn't this a big 'what about ....?' Sure is. And you'll learn exactly where the Pink Kit skills fit into this birth story.

Anyway, this woman and her husband were absolutely uncertain where the Pink Kit skills fit into this birth. The woman reasoned that making a 'choice' to have a home birth was the extent of her responsibility. She didn't want to hear any concerns expressed by the obstetricians.

What about ... this response? Well, this is exactly where Common Knowledge Trust does not get into the politics around birth. Certainly of the tens of thousands of birth stories from families who have used The Pink Kit skills, some have decided that the 'risk' required them to do what was suggested by their doctor/midwife while others decided to accept the risk.

Accepting 'risk' doesn't mean being stupid. We accept risk all the time when we get into a car. And we are much more likely to die or be injured in an auto accident than have a birth problem, but we absolutely must decide for ourselves.

And this is where The Pink Kit skills absolutely excel! What ever the situation ... we can use our birth skills. In fact the more complex our childbirth situation, the more we have to remain calm and focused. Using Directed Breathing, Deep Touch Relaxation, The Pelvic Clock, 'What do I want to do now?' or other of the skills can keep us connected and participating fully rather than going into 'overwhelm' and 'shut down'.

At the moment I'm actually watching a TV program on Cable about families who are having twins and triplets and have problems. The problems are real. Six families are being followed. Some doctors were able to do 'something' medical and sometimes that wasn't possible ... for whatever reason.

All of them had caesareans. Some of the babies survived and were healthy, others survived and would have life time developmental handicaps and others died!

What I noticed is the total passivity of the families. Instead of having simple skills that would permit them to breathe together and relax together, they remained totally the recipients rather than participants. This does produce a sense of 'disconnectedness' which dissolves immediately when we use The PK skills.

We certainly can not change the situation however, we can use each inhale and each exhale to stay connected. This has helped thousands upon thousands of families to feel more positive about their birth experience.

But I'm getting off the birth story I wanted to tell.

The family did learn the Pink Kit skills ... at the last minute. A curious thing happened when he started the internal work. He discovered that the inside of her pelvis seemed very small. This wasn't just tight muscles, but rather the distance side ways of the pelvis.

The woman had been told that her previous cesarean was due to a small pelvic outlet. What about ... this fact? When they discussed what her husband found and her very, very strong rejection of any concerns ... she told him to stop doing the internal work! And that was that.

This story is actually not about the birth she had but about her next birth. So this is a short birth story about what happened next. She did stay at home for her labour which went on for 24 hours. At 8 cm she transferred to hospital. She was given an epidural and fluids. Within 6 more hours, she was fully dilated but the baby wasn't even in the pelvis.

At that point she decided to have another caesarean.

What about ... her feelings? She had lots of time to think about the birth in the 30 something hours before she gave birth to her daughter. And she had lots of time to talk to her husband.

This is what she knew. First, she admitted that she actually had an unusually small bony pelvis. Her doctor told her that she and .01% of women had this variation. Second, she realized that she loved being in labour. Third, she realized that although she had resisted learning the Pink Kit skills that she and her husband had used one or more at every single moment of the birth.

They breathed together with Directed Breathing. They used The Pelvic Clock, Hip Lift, Sacral Manoeuvre and Sit Bone Spread ... they really tried hard to get the baby down into the pelvis!

So what she learned was this: They wanted more children and she wanted to labour even if she had another caesarean. In fact, the birth was not as important to her as the labour!

So two years later.

What about ... her next birth? She worked with the same midwife. They found a doctor who was fine with her being in labour (even told her that it was good for the baby) as long as her baby and body was fine! This was a planned caesarean. What about ... her husband? The couple, midwife and doctor all agreed if there were any problems ... just come into hospital.

So she laboured at home. This time she and her husband really put time and energy into developing a greater depth of Pink Kit skills. They even did the Internal Work. Why? Because they wanted to thoroughly enjoy preparing for birth. To them, preparing for birth was 99% of the pleasure, closeness and enjoyment.

They truly became a Pink Kit family.

They knew she would have another caesarean but they didn't want to miss a moment of what they could do for themselves.

What about ... the birth? Well they stayed at home. She got fully dilated in 10 hours and she loved every single moment of the experience. Then in a relaxed manner, they drove to the hospital. Their doctor met them, checked the baby again and her. Yup, she was fully dilated and no, the baby was not in the pelvis but doing really well.

He told her ... 'Go ahead and push for a while'. So she pushed for half an hour to enjoy that experience and then said: 'I'm ready to have my baby.' And they had a caesarean.

After the birth she said: 'No one can tell me I haven't given birth to my baby!'

Birth is birth. Imagine what our society would be like if all expectant families learned the Pink Kit skills during pregnancy and just used the skills in whatever birth they had? Gosh there is no doubt more people would have positive birth experiences.

Isn't that what we want for ourselves and other families? Of course

So purchase your Pink Kit Package today ... for yourself, friend or relative who is pregnant!

Together we can grow a skilled birthing population.